The last ride back...

Friday...10:30pm...waiting for the bus just outside the campus gates...seeing the red numbers as the bus approaches and a smile at the driver...a "good evening miss", my favourite window...and a ride back home...

12 weeks same schedule...there was an unexplained bliss in it all. I could have chosen to take a cab ride back every Friday, after 13 hours of teaching...(there were friends who had asked me if I needed a ride back after such a long day too and some students...but I always said a polite no...without any reason given...other than..."its ok..am fine")There was something that the bus ride filled me with...which try as I might I could not put a finger to, perhaps because the ride had many a feelings attached and not just one "something"

I looked forward to this 45 minutes just to myself...looking within and without...like no other...reliving moments in the day with students, smiling a little smile at some of the magical moments in class, replaying some of the things said and done in the week gone by, sometimes looking at or for a text from someone...not missing if it didnt beep, looking through life at times too...and some moments etched in time...sometimes memories of childhood and the path travelled thus far...

There was a kind of romance in the ride...almost a love like no other...a strange feeling of "this is my place on a Friday night with me and my thoughts...and we are in sync"

I would watch the same roads, the same bus stops, sometimes the same people at the same places...waiting on a Friday night...living out a routine just like myself...and there was a connection...even without them being aware of it...the strangest feelings which I cant explain yet again...but a feeling of complete...that a "ritual" had been performed...

...and there was a bliss of solitude while I looked at the outside world...

But yesterday as I stepped into the bus there was a void...as this was the last I was taking this year at this time from campus gates...

A beautiful 45 minutes...which would end with my cup of Gong Cha waiting with a smile from the girl at the stall near the stop I got off..who knew I would be there by the 11pm bus...I didnt even know her name...and for once didnt want to...her smile...her service was her greatest identity...again a strange connection unknown as it was...and complete in the unknown...

Yesterday too my Gong Cha waited...and as she said " see you next week...same time" there was a strange feel of void agian...there would not be the same ritual next week...

As I walked back the next 15 minutes...another routine...with my cup of lemon roasted melon tea...sipping through the straw, watching people partying on a weekend...I kept walking with a smile...the same smile for the last 12 weeks too...at seeing the mirth laughter and revelry...and feeling a peace within...the same roads...the same over bridge...and the road home...me completely at peace with myself...

There was a full moon and star that walked with me last night as another chapter closed and I opened the door to my apartment...and I thanked the Creator for all the moments which the Fridays had held...

listen...

“I have faith that God will show you the answer. But you have to understand that sometimes it takes a while to be able to recognize what God wants you to do. That's how it often is. God's voice is usually nothing more than a whisper, and you have to listen very carefully to hear it. But other times, in those rarest of moments, the answer is obvious and rings as loud as a church bell.”
― Nicholas Sparks, The Last Song

Many a times I wait for that whisper and for a few days its been the same whisper over and over again...that its time I see the signs and let go...

Maybe I will...maybe its time...everything comes and goes and is a phase...what is meant to be will be and whats meant to go will...thats the hard fact but the most constant truth of all...

I have tried to believe that you can't live your life for other people. You've got to do what's right for you, even if it hurts some people you love...

I know this posting is really vague in parts, really unclear and somewhat convoluted in thoughts and blurred...but thats a phase am in...choosing between listening to my heart which says am reading to deep and listening to my mind which says "arent the signs too clear?" If they werent signs why would I even see them? Or are they mere coincidences? Are they even coincidences? Or are they mere visuals which come forth as else?

I dont know...am at a point where am tired and I dont want to know suddenly...and would rather just go into my shell and be with the me I love...everything else can fade...

The world will go on...because it does...

Giving up...giving in...or giving it another go?

There are moments in life I feel its time to give up.

The constant struggles at times get to each of us am sure...the struggle of day to day existence, the daily worries of life and living and all the hurdles...but just as much the feeling of "all is lost" sucks me up at times I guess the same negative energy somewhere deep within converts into extreme positives and shouts out loud " what? Give up? Are you out of your mind?"

Yes we never get out of life alive anyway so why give up ?

As I go through the pits and falls, of people taking me for a ride at times, knowing some relationships are never meant to last, some friendships are only for a fleeting moment and are meant to be enjoyed just for the moments...the same feeling also surprisingly instills the belief that the pits and falls are only to help me rise, the rides are lessons well learnt and the relationships however fleeting may at times may not be so.

The dualities of life and how each moment teaches us exact opposites to show the vibrancy of life and living...the confusions actually aren't confusions...we create them ourselves...because we make ourselves believe in norms and we strive to conform. We keep believing in the "what right and to be done" rather than " what can be done because it makes us happy"

We at times are scared to break conventions and keep dwelling in our prisons when we rather be free...we live in relationships that have long died a natural death...and suffocate and feel the lows...rather than breaking free and getting a fresh lease of life...we continue to toe the line because we fool ourselves to think it matters to society...

What we fail to realise is that social memory is shortlived and noone really cares...everyone is more bothered about their own lives rather than someone elses...some tongues will wag but after a certain moment they all stop...and what is new becomes the accepted...

We all need to start living for what makes us happy and breathe...because each day lived is one day shorter than the full span...and we never know if we will ever be back anyway!