Once you have forgiven

The world opens its arms to welcome you...theres a calm like no other and you know your purpose in this world is only to do good...

Hatred anger ill feeling ego and nastiness eat us up and we waste whatever we have left of positivism...

Lets hope we see a better world and we all realise that the only truth is we come alone and go alone...lets cherish whatever company the Creator brings in this time between birth and death...

Thats all there is and all there ever will be...

Just because...

A friend feels am more a writer than a blogger...though I keep arguing with him on what the difference is...but I do realise that whatever you are ...you should let the words flow...and flow from the heart with some handholding of the mind...and then let them both wander off to places unknown and undiscovered.

Writing...that helps me evolve, helps me put thoughts in place and helps me gather myself and walk on in this journey that am on...

I have set my goals which I dont waiver from...but along the path there are streams that we dont know might exist...that ripple on...and ask you to stop a while and take a breather...and I stop...not losing sight of the goal though...but whats life if we cant stop a while and breathe in some of the beauty?

Blogging for me is one such stream...that helps me play with the water...as if I sit and watch my life flow...i let some drops trickle through my fingers as I play with my experiences...watch the water flow on and look upstream...and at times watch the sun shine and glitter creating myriad hues...and sometimes watch the stars and moon shine and create molten silver with little diamonds that add that sparkle...

Am blessed I can sit a while and look and relook at life...and my jorney ahead...smile a little smile..shed a little tear...sing a little song and sometimes watch people who matter come and sit with me and watch the water ebb and flow...trickle and laugh and sing with me...

Reaching out to myself

The closest we can be to anyone is ourselves...someone who I say "I Love You" to every morning afternoon night and whenever I feel I need to. It is the most beautiful thing one can say to another, and when you say it to yourself its a complete circle.

I reach out to myself every day to...hold my own hand and whisper..I am there for you...

Imagine...reaching out to yourself every time you see yourself in the mirror...and reconnecting with the best friend you can have...yourself...

I am me. The best I can be. With my past, my present and future. Learning from it and respecting myself every moment because I myself know how precious I am. I will always be there for myself no matter what and I can never be lonely because I have me.

Heres to being ME!

It does move on...

We all know life moves on...people move on...but every time I lose someone to death...the mere fragile mortality slaps me in the face....yes violently slaps me and says "wake up"

When we are alive ,the things we take for granted...the games that we feel we can play with life, we worry about what we need to prove, who we need to prove to, what people will say , if we go against the norm...sigh...whose life are we leading anyway then? Ours or theirs?

Its not selfish...living our own life just to make ourselves happy as a priority, in the end boils down to spreading happiness...if we aren't happy with ourselves can we ever spread joy?

Attending the funeral of a friend a few days ago...there were some moments where the transient reality of life hit me hardest and in the most brutal fashion...

No...it was not when I saw the cold embalmed body...not when I saw his wife, a dear dear friend of mine, (who has been beside me through so much)alone in the huge crowd that had turned up...not when I saw his photograph...smiling, eternal....none of that...these moments, much that they are the softest to tread on have in some way stopped affecting me. Not that I have turned to stone...but somewhere my entire being has accepted this norm...this is the way it will be...you can just helplessly go through the process. This is not the first time I lost someone I knew...

But what hit me hard this time was just a few actions that caught my eye which completely stopped my breathing for a few seconds...when after the crowd was moving on....a man in the crowd ( a friend of a friend of a friend maybe who knows?) went to each bouquet and started removing the name tags and condolence messages...and another man who kept taking pictures of the flowers in the tall arrangements...thats when the mere sham of life and death hit hard...who are we? what do we stand for? do we just become names written on messages and engraved on tombstones? If so what are we running and rushing for? why cant we just let a normal pace let us breathe? And we breathe in the moments that bring us joy, happiness laughter and warmth?

It was at that moment I took an oath ...unto myself...with myself without myself... that the few days or years I have left ( in the mere unpredictability who knows?) I will spend the most time doing two things...spending as much time ...and quality time I can with people who matter, giving them my best and all the love I can...and then giving my energies to the cause I support for my NPO, for the people who have been ignored by the world...

As long as I can pay my bills and sustain myself (frugally at times maybe) I should be ok. I have lived the high life...seen how low things can be...and I am glad I have.

The past is NEVER a baggage...its the richest treasure we carry because it helps us just not learn but helps us to be rooted...never forgetting where we came from and what we are. I am happy I had a past that has been a mix...and the day at the wake reminded me further of that...when I stood with the single women...sometime chatting with the married expat women, a group I used to be part of...and there again I stood observing...within without...and how things change. I have to say I have no regrets. Everything that I have gone through, everyone that I have met, loved, cared and sometimes hated ( yes I have, and I cant hide or deny that...), needed to cross paths with me...or I would not have been the person I am...and am very very happy to be the person I am. I am not perfect...perfectly imperfect perhaps :)

So yes, at that moment the oath was taken...I will make much more time for people I love care for and adore...people who I pray for everyday, while I pray for the rest of the world tofind peace...in the end it is about peace and finding the people you can share the peace with...there are times we end up spending life, entire lifetimes with people in "normative dictated" social relationships...even though the relationship has died a natural death long before...but life, beautiful as it is gives us another chance to live the most fulfilling moments within other relationships where we cant perhaps put common everyday mundane social labels...but its a sign that life gives to make us breathe again perhaps with the soul mate that we find finally...LIFE...can never be cruel if we give back with our soul...I have grown to believe in that...

People come into our lives at various points...there have been some who I have hoped came in much earlier...so that I had more time with them...Time...that in some ways tramples and triumphs over us...we cant do much about that...but what IS within our control is to spend that time living a life...a life that the Creator has given us to live...and not lose in a mad rush...

Every day we live...we are moving towards the eternal truth...there is no fear in it...I do not fear death anymore...but what I do fear is losing one more person that matters...and so I will do what I can to have place for them in the life I have...no definitions for any relationship either... because with some, mere definitions of friendship and love seem too shallow...too short and dictated by social norms...and as we try to keep afloat in the transiency...it really doesn't matter how am "viewed" by the ever changing world,because whether we like it or not everyone moves on, when we have stopped breathing...so while I still am...I will LIVE my life...

for Phantom

I write this for someone closest to my soul...

"This one is just for you as I breathe a bit easier and prepare to tuck in for the day...

Just know I believe in tales yes...with fairy dust...shimmering away...

Some days are tougher than the rest , some days are worse and some days are pathetic...but that should just make greater survivors of us...the chosen ones...

We will be let down...we will be trampled...we will be wounded and bruised...but through it all we will still survive, and recognise the path we are meant to be on...

The reason we speak about life, positivism and change is because we have been chosen to...and thats why we are given much deeper experiences so that we take the worst, bear the burdens to help others overcome their difficulties...

We are taught by the Creator the hardest way so that we may teach...

Cant you see that...?

Rest well...the rest will take care of itself...for sometime atleast :) "

on the road ...

On the road called Life....We come to crossroads and sometimes we take turns, sometimes U turns to travel a bit all over again with new zeal and changing the gear a bit... and while we travel there are some deep potholes, hurdles and some bumps ( funnily in the part of the world I live in bumps are called "humps"!: A westerner friend of mine freaked at it and said..well life sure is interesting and exciting here!)

Switching from the we to I...I too have had my share...no comparisons, as each of us have our own struggles in our own capacities...and we try and get by fine...or if we dont we try and hold the hand of people who mean alot ...or to whom we mean alot...and if we are lucky some come and hold our hand to just gently help us breathe in life and move ahead...

As they say , as long as we know where we are headed and we are aware that in the end it really doesnt matter how crazy it all had been...we should be fine and we are meant to be fine according to the plans of the Creator. Theres a choice made already. Those who can take it are tested the most...because they are the chosen ones....and most times they are the ones that bleed the most yet lead the most...

Lately (and its been a while) I have taken on an observer mode for myself...much that I used to be in an observer mode for the world....I look at myself and look back and apart...a person standing a bit away...(perhaps 5ms?) and seeing myself...going through life...the interractions...the relationships...the people I meet and the things I do...and it has started to interest me like no other...just me...to me...is the greatest learning about personalities people and behaviour. No judgements at all...just some questions and lots to learn...forgiving....at times forgetting and learning again...but keeping on reading the chapters of my own life

And thus I stand within and without...answering to my soul...connecting with other souls and aware of the greatest truth that we come alone, go alone and empty handed...the laurels, love and respect we leave behind...and move on to a greater truth of revelation, joy and peace...

As I have moved on, stopped at times and covered some hurdles what I have also come to believe is all the potholes are there for a reason...and some have a bit of rain water for us to splash in too..and even in the downs have that bit of fun to feel good with ourselves...and at times tune in to the music of days gone by, of the child in us that revels in small shortlived joys.

Each pothole hurdle or "hump" comes with its own demarkation of how far we have come in life and how many we have crossed. The distance travelled thus far. Some slow us down but the road never ends. At times we come to rail roads too and watch some part of our lives whizz past...and if we lucky we get to let off some steam! If we even luckier, we may just be able to add some more coal to the engines and whistle on. There come times too we can just sit back enjoy the ride while some more power is added by people who care and want us to reach our goal...we meet all sorts and more importantly come face to face with ourselves...various parts of ourselves, various people that we are in ourselves and the diverse roles we play.

We may not play each role to the perfect T, but we make attempts...I have seen the harder life gets the more attempts I make to make it different and perhaps smoother at the edges at least. I have learnt to believe also in the inherrent good of all and the diversity in personalities. I am much more excited to meet people with very different personalities than my own...which makes life so much more interesting challenging and full of possibilities. People change too. I have learnt to accept, believe and respect that. But every situation happens for a reason and changes for the better.

With a challenging life I have also learnt something else. That of accepting changes and not losing hope that every chapter is ONLY for the good and phases will end. They all have a shelf life. Be it good or bad. They will. They come in waves, lash on the sands, trickle through fingers and unite again into the great seas...the same sun rises sets and another day moves to night...bringing clear skies or rain..stars moon or clouds...but a day in its entirety never ends...

I have to keep going, believing in myself, believing in love and believing that in the end its the soul that lives on...travelling on the road which we will be on no matter which route we take...we will reach where we are meant to, meet the people we are meant to and do the things which we are meant to...no regrets...no judgements,humilty prime and no hatred.

And a belief that whats meant to be will always find a way...

Just as they say about the postage stamp...(even in a world of emails and social media)

...its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there...