Just that (all that I have been harping at various levels about in this blog) yes, the pace of life did overtake and sort of run me and sun me over...a bit tanned from the harsh rays of living , here I go again...back with my thoughts my musings, my random element that "streaks" and shouts most of the time...yes here I am!
A "me"...am proud to be...a me like no other...and cant be...a me that wonders and wanders and lets her mind do the same...well aren't we all wanderers at the end of it..wanderers...always? Sometime trying to console ourselves with the belief that "well we have finally reached where we had to"...do we? Do we travel? or do we stand still and let our souls and minds do that for us? Do we set a pace or follow a pace? And when we travel do we get lost? Is there a thing as losing our way at all?
I have always been astonished at how new alleys are discovered every time we do get "lost"...be it just a bus ride where I miss my stop or be it a short flight of fantasy where am thinking of an escapade with my loved one.. ;) At every corner that I physically am or every turn my mind takes there's always something new...or at least new to me...which gives me a thrill a joy and the sheer warmth of connecting again with my self...my being...my inner voice...which tells me...surprises are what life is full of...they may numb our senses, shock us terribly, fill us with joy, move us to tears, make us reach new heights, bring us and our hopes crashing down but at every stage make us take one step further to discovering who we are...because of how we deal, feel and perhaps heal with every turn and every new turn...
Even the darkest alleys that life puts us in...brings this "new-ness"...its an unending exploration in self and awareness...a belief of not losing touch with the path we are on...every person we meet, every experience, every episode in our life is a new one...and its about us too at the same time just not the experience. We belong to it and it owns us...strangely so...and yet we are wanderers...irony of life?
This morning as it rained and washed away the heat a strange thought crossed my mind ( yes my wandering mind) about how many a times the outside world influences how we feel within...and at times how we feel within makes even the sunniest day feel the darkest...
My heart pitter patters to the beat of the rain...gets scorched and stressed at times when the tropical heat beats down and the thunder at times brings a strange feeling of fear of the unknown...everytime I hear thunder and see the streaks of lightning it takes me back to 2005...when I was in the pearl drop of the Arabian Sea...a land like no other...Sri Lanka. Post Tsunami days..when every time the storm came there was a fear of another wave...a fear of it all gone and swept away...but yet at the same time the fear was not of losing myself....but of moving away from the world without having the chance to say adieu to my loved ones...of ceasing to be who I am forever...or ceasing to see who I am forever...
In the end thats all that is there isnt it...all the "me"s that make the "us" of the world? How can we forget that? How can we not be proud of that and take every step to better that...
I have often been told not to be "Selfish" as opposed to "Selfless"... selfless..hmmm....but what is the word anyway if not about "making others happy at the sake of self" and forsaking the self...and if we do...who are we anyway? Am not here propagating ruthless selfishness or stamping out everything and making the "me" larger than life...what I am saying is just not forgetting the importance of self...and the whole process of "interiorisation"(If I may coin a term such) and introspection at all times...of being confident of looking into that mirror each morning and saying the warmest and sweetest "I love You" while the day kicks off...its about saying " I deserve to love, live and be...just the way I feel like and just the way that fills me with a sense of complete..."
But then many a times we even question whats "complete"...can complete be just a feeling with self or self and others? what is the whole search for the other...is it the completeness of the whole when we find our soul mate? A certain echo of the Metaphysical...and the attempt to erase one's own image from the mirror in front so that it should reflect the not-now and not-here... a foreshadowing of existentialism and the whole concept of the individual...and reason to be...
For me, all I see...is the moment of being...moments in the past present and future....things we cant deny or regret. At each point we are ourselves and very much so...and part of actions that we thought think and will think is right at that moment...and denying any such moment is denying ourselves and the whole spirit of being alive...
We are at various places and spaces at the same time...there is no right or wrong...just a doing and acting. As long as we can believe in just THAT moment...we will be fine...not influenced to act differently because it seems wrong in the "other" eye...as long as it feels ok when we meet our own in our reflection...we should be fine and be willing to breathe in all that life has across the next corner...
Dawn points, and another day
Prepares for heat and silence. Out at sea the dawn wind
Wrinkles and slides. I am here
Or there, or elsewhere. In my beginning....
Prepares for heat and silence. Out at sea the dawn wind
Wrinkles and slides. I am here
Or there, or elsewhere. In my beginning....
(T. S Eliot)
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